Saturday, April 21, 2012

My limitation

This is going to be a ... not so happy post.

I've been under a very big stress recently.
I don't want to admit it, but my physical condition shows that, I'm unable to handle it well.

Looking at the deterioration of my health condition, I'm wondering,
did I made the wrong choice?

I might be over-protected, but I'm not spoiled.
I know where is my limitation.
I know what kind of life I wanted.
And now I started to realized, this doesn't seems to be the life that I wanted.
I am like a caged bird.
I wanted to fly.
But I'm having so much restriction and I'm feeling all stressed out.

How much of time did I spent in my life,
thinking that,
is this the life that I wanted? Is this the man that I wanted?

I've been very unhealthy.
And I know laughter and smile are the medicine for all kind of illness.
What I want is just Simplicity and Happiness.
The easiest yet hardest things to get in this world.
But not life with pressure...
Indeed achievement is something that makes you grow,
but there must be different ways to achieve satisfaction and to reach your goal.
This is not the way that I wanted.
Because, I'm not happy.

There's time that I feel helpless and depressed,
I was hoping of someone who can makes me smile, when I cry,
and gives me hope, when I was helpless.
I was hoping of someone that can lent me their ears, their heart, and shoulder,
to let me rely on them,
Well but I guess that person doesn't exist, AT ALL.

Talking about health condition...
Jaw lock is coming back, after all.
I got paranoid all the time, worrying that the condition might get worse.
I wanted a surgery, to make it fully recovered.
So that I can sing freely, smile confidently.
At the same time, I won't want even a small cut on my flesh, that God given to me.
There's risk, there's cost and that's not a minor surgery.

But now I'm suffering...
All kind of illness is queuing and stacking up as I grow old.
Short of breath and chest pain,
as if my heart is going to stop anytime.
Feeling dizzy and light headed in the crowd.
Afraid that I might just shut my eyes and find myself nowhere.
Spine problem never healed either.
Couldn't stand or walk for long because it will caused my lower back hurt so badly after that.
Couldn't carry heavy stuffs, even carrying my bag causing numb shoulder and neck.
How am I expecting myself to grow old?
I'm going to be suffering for a long time...
Aw man... Am I made of Tofu?
And I'm sick of making my parents to worry about me...

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