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Sunday, April 29, 2012

4.29

Dear Diary,

It's 29th Feb today. I was thinking to do something special. To insert some spices into my dull and empty life.


So I made a call. This is the first call I made to this person. I'm not sure is this considered a prank call. Cuz I just act stupidly and ask the person to guess who am I. LOL.
And when I finally revealed my identity, he was like: Oh, it's you.
My 6th sense told me, that person must be annoyed because of my interruption. Die liao this time.
So regret of my stupid action then.
But, surprisingly, he called back after hours later and started to complaining about his job.
Then I asked: Am I your dustbin? lol
No. He said.
He want to be my banana.
Ok I know it sounds weird,
But, Banana is the fruit that brought HAPPINESS.


Dear Diary,

He is special. Somehow is different, with those that I know before.
He's true and sincere. He is so straight that I almost got choked of the words that he said.
And the way he care, is different too.
Is him an alien? Haha.
Hey, he had the same religion with me too!


Dear Diary,

Why did he hang up on me? Nobody ever hang up on me.
Did I annoyed him that much? Why with the sudden changes? He's scaring me. And now I don't know what am I to him anymore, seems like I never know.
Had I did something wrong?
I can't sleep well cuz I'm having nightmare whole night when he's not answering.

21st April. I was busying with outdoor shooting. And was forced to put a smile on my face for whole day. Nobody knows that I'm waiting a call. And I never know that this call,  is taking endless wait.

I have tried ... to make it works out.
And I never think of giving up.
Cuz I believe it's all about commitment, compromise and sacrifice that you willing to give.
I know we don't understand each other, yet.
Understanding took time.
Although there's difference of characters and opinions,
Sparks are there, by covering each other weakness and improving own self at the same time.
EmotionalvsEmotional or RationalvsRational aint making a perfect match isn't it?
I'm willing to change my lifestyle, to accommodate one more person in my usual routine.
I didn't find it's tough at all.
Cuz I know I'm not alone.I was planning for another meet up so that we could know each other more.
(it was supposed to be today)
I never give up from the beginning.
No matter how much I suffer from all the changes in my life.


But, I'm still confused with my own feeling. I'm actually grateful that he made the decision.
But everything came so fast, I have no preparation for such situation.
In fact, scene like this had never came across my mind AT ALL.
I'm not ready YET.
But, I'm not going to prolong my misery.
I don't want to be kept in dark.
Instead, I wan an answer.

So... here I am, with the answer.
Although there's still a lot of unclear doubt which is not explained.
I guess that it is.
It's painful. I'm made of flesh and blood too.
I'm not sure for the other party. (I met someone feelingless, as well.)
So, I'm not sure.
But I think, I forgot how to cry.
Keep comforting myself, that there's no big deal. It's okay it's okay.
Then gradually fall back to sleep.

I'm bad at adapting.
It's causing me a lot of discomfort when somebody intruded into my life and get out whenever they want to.
And I don't even have a choice to say NO?
Why I never think of keeping anyone?
Cuz when somebody is leaving, no matter how much you trying to keep, they will never stay...
If they want to, they will never left at the first place.

Nobody to blame.
Just blame myself for not able to guard my heart well.
Sister was asking why why WHY I never learned from my mistakes?
And keep reminding me that, he will never care, anymore.
Why did I always believe that when people are being kind to you, they will be kind to you FOREVER.
Why am I always afraid to hurt someone, but I'm always the one who's getting hurt.
Why?
Sigh. I have to learn to stop asking why. No matter what the answer is, the result is still the same.
You can never trust a heart,
cuz it can change over a night without knowing why, by your brain.
Suddenly your brain become stupid.









Anyway, I still have to accept the fact right...
I'm so blessed that I had Mummy by my side all the time.
Being supportive and being by my side.
She was worried when I was not crying.
Am I supposed to cry? I'm a big girl now.I know crying is not solving any problem.
She afraid that I might explode suddenly after over-suppressing my feeling.
Seriously, how many people can accept somebody's changes over a night?
When you started to question yourself, is this someone that you know?
I, just want to keep the best part of you.


So I keep myself occupied with all kind of stuffs.
I'm meeting people more often, I know I can't be alone as my imagination might running wild again.
Cry and smile, remember and forget.
Over and over again.
I think I manage my emotions quite well.
Since I'm unable to hold my tears, I might just as well release it so that I can get back to my usual routine.
I still have to work, I still have to carry on with my goal.
Just that I eat lesser, smile lesser, worry lesser as well.
Cuz I no longer have to worry that I might losing something, when the thing is already lost.
Whenever I think I couldn't take it anymore, I will sleep.
Avoiding from awaking in the midnight, cuz there's the weakest hour that the devil can attack me easily.
I went to prayer meeting. Ask for healing.
God told me that He want to reshape me.
Turn me from cotton, to rock, then to diamond.
Tough like a diamond. I wanted to fully surrender myself to the Lord.
Only He can give me strength and hope.
And I believe time can heals too.


I will always keep you in my prayer.
You might not need my care anymore.
But I still want the best for you.
Lord will always be there with you, no matter how far you are,
He will be there, whenever you are in need.
You just have to rely on him.
And I will be there too. If you still need me, as a friend. =)




Dear Diary,

Today is 29th April.
Happy 2nd Anniversary. =)

I will overcome it. Don't worry! =)







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